WOW!! It has been a long time, since I blogged! Thought I would take a few minutes and share some thoughts on my first entire calendar year without my precious daughter to share it with!
365 Days! I have NEVER done anything for a consecutive 365 days! Although I have had great intentions! I start out with a bang, you know committing to something for a few days, maybe even a few weeks, but after a while something else comes along and takes my attention away from my original goal and then I either set a new goal, re-adjust the goal or worse give up!
But, for the entire calendar year of 2009~ 365 days, 24 hours a day, 60 minutes an hour I grieved and mourned my daughter! I have cried out to God in my conscience and subconscious for comfort, for understanding, for hope, for reassurance that He will continue to carry me through this valley. And you know what, not one single solitary day, has He left me to travel this journey alone. My Heavenly Father has been right beside be holding me up this entire year! Amen!
It has actually been 593 days: that's 1 year, 7 months and 13 days, since Claire's soul left my arms and went to rest in Jesus' arms. This has been the most agonizing 593 days I could have ever imagined. I have begged and begged God for Just One More Day with Claire, just one more minute to feel her little body, to smell her breath, to watch her do a cartwheel, to see that precious smile that lit up the air surrounding her, to just have another day.
I have thought, many times, about what I would do if I had one more day with Claire. I would take her to the Rock and Gem store downtown that she asked to go into every single time we drove by and I was always too busy trying to get from one place to another to just stop. I would take her to McDonald's for chicken nuggets, french fries and milk, just because! I would take her to the park and watch her climb every thing there and laugh in amazement at the way she would wrap her arms and legs around the steel. I would insist on washing her hair, body and in between her toes, in the tub, even though she believed she could do a better job than me! I would curl up in bed with her and read every storybook she wanted me to until she fell asleep (instead of me being the one who was tired). I would rub her back, while she slept, until my fingers were too sore to move.
But, you know the reality is, I won't have another day to do all those things and if I did, then I would want Just One More Day!
"Your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be." Psalm 139:16
12 years ago
2 comments:
I love you Angela! Someday...someday...for better is one day in His courts than a thousand elsewhere! Your and Jeff's faith and clinging to the father through these 594 days has been a testimony to all of us that indeed the Father has not left you as orphans in this storm, but that He has COME to you each painful and lonely step of this agonizing journey! Thank you for the reminder to not let any of the now moments get away...
My name is Amanda! I came across your page by accident and I simply wanted to say thank you for sharing your sweet daughter as you have. I only made it half way through the birthday blog when one of my favorite songs began to plan and now I can only see through the blur of tears.
I also am an Angel Mom, I also now live each day like it is the last. I also honor my family more, hold my children tighter and have a hard time dealing with being stuck between 2 worlds. Like you I live with a hole in my heart. My son Joshua took his life at age 15.
My son's blog is at http://mandysue-fightingforlife.blogspot.com/2010/03/joshua.html
and we also have a facebook page to deal with the constant grief.
Love to you and your husband <3
Amanda
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